day of rest

Today was so good for my heart.

A quick sketch before breakfast changed the course of my day.

Painting is so therapeutic. It’s one of those things I tend to “hide” because I’m no Degas. Most of my stuff is laughably horrendous. But you know what? It’s mine. I spent today using a gift God gave me, without beating myself up over the imperfections. They were restful. They were easy on my heart. They brought peace to my soul. Any day filled with that much watercolor is a good one.

But it only got better.

John can make me laugh like no one else. He is such a goof.
Always puts a smile on my face.

Dinner was spectacular, if I do say so myself. Cilantro, chipotle peppers, sweet potatoes, roasted corn – my taste buds were dancing. I would eat this every day if I could.

After dinner, we took an hour walk around housing. We scaled the side of this mountain (the pretty path turned pretty steep) and laughed and talked and raced each other. Fresh air and green everywhere. And these gorgeous yellow “weeds”. They’ve found a new home on my table.

If every day was like today, full of creating and playing, amazing food and warm coffee, quality time with my husband and so much fresh air my lungs feel like they will burst from happiness, bad times would even be sweet. This day of rest was so good to me.

lovely

I’m not going to apologize for being absent or explain why I disappeared. Everything will be talked about eventually. Sometimes life requires more prayer about a thing than talking about a thing. 

>>>>>

This isn’t very well thought out. Sorry if it’s hard to follow.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with who I am, and I’m not just talking about looks.

I’ve gained and lost weight in a pattern(not quantity) similar to Kirstie Alley. I’ve had awful acne since high school(yaaay adult acne. not.) which caused me to hide my personality because I was ashamed of what my face looked like. I was never stylish. I was awkward, chubby, and very, very unsure of myself. I have never been a follower, but because of how unsure I was of who I was, I started to pick up pieces of other people. I thought that anyone that was more confident than I was (read: everyone else) was better than I was, and instead of praying that I’d find confidence in who I was, I emulated other people, hoping that seeing them in myself would give me their confidence.

It just made me more unsure and even less confident.

When I was in college, I was thrown in with an entirely different group of people and became even less myself than ever. I would hide things about myself that I thought were shameful. I had broken up with my high school sweetheart (but now he is my husband!), dated a guy that was awful for me and broken up with him, and got completely trampled on by another guy. I wasn’t feeling loved or lovely, and I had no idea who I was. I was a mess. I was a skinny mess that got really good grades and had a lot of friends, but I was a mess. Once I got out of environments where I was surrounded by all sorts of other people, my insecurity was less of an issue. Plus I was thin and engaged. But that insecurity issue was never dealt with. I’ve never faced it head on and prayed for victory over it. So, it never went away.

Fast forward to, um, today. I was watching a vlog this morning that one of my favorite bloggers did. She is so in love with Jesus and so full of life. She knows who she is because she knows who she is to God, and I am always so encouraged when I read her stuff. Anyways, she was talking about how she had security issues too and was really not okay with herself for a long time, and I was relating to every word she was saying.

At church this morning, just a few hours after watching Amber’s vlog, they were talking about how to be lovely wives – emphasis on the hidden person, on character and relationship with Jesus, not on physical attributes.  It was like God had something He really wanted me to get today, don’t you think?

I still struggle with who I am. I see so many people that I admire and when I look at myself I don’t see anything lovely.That’s because I’m still not looking at myself through God’s eyes. I’m looking at myself through my eyes, using other people as filters. And I’m right. I’m not like anybody else. I have spent so much time emphasizing the things about me that are similar to things I see in people I admire and putting a cover on the things about me that are not at all like other people in my life. Not changing who I am, but hiding who I am. I’m still hiding all of me. I’m hiding behind fear.

But you know what? God made me this way.

(The song that just came on? “..tell me once again who I am to You, that I belong to You..”)

I think this whole thing fits in pretty well with my word for this year (rest).
I thought I was resting from expectations, but maybe what I really need is rest from building this huge wall between me and everyone else, rest from shaming myself into a corner, rest from insecurity.

This is one piece of luggage I can’t believe I’ve been carrying for this long.
Take this bag, Lord. It’s ugly, it’s heavy, and it doesn’t belong here.

this is know

I was really questioning God a few weeks ago and on a Sunday morning,
our Pastor said
“When we come across something we DON’T know,
we can’t throw away everything we DO know.”

Think about that for a second.

I don’t know why God gives children heart defects and I don’t know why a CHD has to mean a short life. I don’t know why He chose me, or why he chose you. But I do know that He is mighty and He is all-knowing. I do know He loves us, and His plans for us are only good. I do know that everything works for the good of those that love Him and I do know that no matter what we do, His strength will be our strength, and He will hold our hand.

I was talking to my sister this morning while John was donating blood. She has had a week, let me tell you. Her grandmother passed away and an old friend (and soldier) was KIA.

I’m sure she will post about everything that has happened so I’ll leave you without the details.

We were talking about God’s reasons, both getting emotional over the subject of family death and soldier’s being KIA, and I found myself asking God the same questions.

Why.

Why does she have to deal with both deaths this week?

Why did that soldier have to die?

What good could possibly come out of this?

God, that’s not right. That’s not fair. That’s not good. Where were You when that helicopter crashed? Did she really have to see his processional? Why did her grandmother have to get so sick? Why did it all have to be at the same time?

Angels didn’t appear to respond to my unbelief.
The voice of the Lord didn’t boom over the loud speakers in the hospital.
A stranger didn’t stop to remind me that He’s listening.

But I was reminded by a quiet voice to not throw it all away.

God is good. He is faithful. He is just. He is loving. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, ever present. His plans for us are good. His thoughts towards us are more than the stars in the sky and the sand on the shore. We are the apple of His eye. He is above me, His thoughts are not my thoughts. I am not equal to Him. His concern isn’t for my happiness, but my holiness.

I pray that the things I do know will draw me so close to Him
that all my why questions aren’t important anymore.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

*reposted from June 2010, very relevant to today*

Boots off

“Boots off.”

Those words are first. They are before hello, they are before a kiss. She knows that when Daddy’s boots come off, he is home to stay.

She couldn’t understand why Daddy was gone for so long. She didn’t know that it was just field work and that he’d be back in a few weeks. She didn’t understand why we couldn’t always talk to him, but when she opened the coat closet and saw the empty space where Daddy’s boots are supposed to be - that she understood…..

Wife of a Sailor is hosting a month of guest posts in honor of April – the month of the military child. Head over today to read the rest of my post about our little girl and what she understands her Daddy’s job to be.

goals

I started off this year with a few goals that I didn’t tell anyone about because hey, if I fail, I’m the only one to be disappointed in myself, right? I’ve done really well for the first 3 months of the year with a few of them, others not so much. So, now that I know I’m not a complete failure, I will share them.
1) Read a book a month.
I LOVE to read, so it might sound really silly that I want to *only* read 12 books this year. In all reality, I can count on one hand the number of books I’ve read in the last two years, thanks to these two people that keep asking for clean underwear and dinner. Whatever that’s about. BUT 3 months into the year and I’ve already read 5 books! “To Kill a Mockingbird” was the best though – and I knew it would be because it’s not the first time I’ve read it. Now, please excuse me while I convince my husband that our first born son should be named Atticus.

2) Run a 5k
I can run a 5k on a treadmill, but in real life? On the street? Surrounded by runners? That makes me anxious. But, I told myself I’d run one this year, and I will – but it’s not going to be a normal 5k. You’ve heard of the color run, right? If you haven’t, click the link, hit “see all cities” and watch the video on the side. Go ahead, I’ll wait. ……

Looks pretty fun, right? Well we were going to do the one in Seattle but it SOLD OUT in less than 3 hours. Ridiculous. I was so sad. Good thing Portland, Oregon is driving distance! We are road tripping to this sucker and I couldn’t be more excited.

3) Eat Vegan
Fail.

3) Eat Vegetarian.
Fail

3) Eat all the curry chicken and cheeeeeese!
So my diet isn’t exactly what I wanted it to be. John is having a hard time giving up meat, and I am having a hard time giving up cheese. We are eating less meat and less dairy than we did at the beginning of the year, that’s for sure. I’ve replaced butter with coconut oil, milk with coconut milk(for Allie and I) and we eat meat probably once a week as opposed to it being a nightly ordeal. Except this week. We’re going on three nights in a row of chicken. Whatever. When and if I get pregnant this year, I’ll be making some dietary changes so I don’t gain the weight back that I lost. (side note: I’m sitting comfortably at my pre-Allie weight, in case you were wondering. It’s not my goal weight, but at least all the baby/eating hospital food and french fries for 3 meals a day for 2 months is gone.)

4) Get a dog.
Okay, that wasn’t really a goal, I just didn’t know how else to tell you that we’re getting a dog!  When John was in the field for a month in January and I was clearing the house every night with a bolt action rifle from World War II, I decided that we were getting a dog.  When John got home, I informed him of this decision and handed him the name and number of a breeder I was calling in the morning. Our boxer puppy will be born in 2 or so weeks, and we can bring her home in June!

reasons

I caught her pulling her shirt down and looking at her scar the other day. She wasn’t showing it off and she wasn’t doing it quickly. She was taking her time to really look at it.

I can point to any scar on her body and tell you why it’s there, what medication was delivered through it, how many times they tried to get access and who put it there. She can’t. I can tell you about why she had a heart transplant instead of the Norwood surgery. I can tell you about that decision, and the research I’ve done and the doctor’s I’ve talked to. She can’t. I can tell you that she’s a miracle. She can’t. She knows about her heart and her scar. She knows we make a big deal about them, but she doesn’t know why.

I realized when I saw her staring at her scar that she already has questions her mind doesn’t know how to form into words. Those questions will need to be answered someday, by me, by doctors, by google. I realized that she will ask me to tell her her story. She’s going to find out some day that she might not live to be 18. She’s going to find out some day that she probably can’t have children and that she might not live long enough to even get married. I realized that the grieving process that I went through, she will go through too.

And what will I say to her? To my little girl that is looking at me and asking why God made her this way?  I will tell her the same thing He tells me every time I ask: “For a very special reason. For a reason so big, you can’t see around it. For a reason so wonderful, you can’t wrap your mind around it. For a reason so beyond her and her heart and her life, you might not ever know the fullness of it. But I am good and I am in love with her, and I am in love with You. Rest in My arms and trust that I will never let you go. Though her heart and her flesh my fail, her spirit is safe with Me.”

tiny letters

Dear everyone everywhere that won’t stop talking about your amazing weather,
Take me with youuuu.
Sincerely,
45 and rainy.

Dear house,
I am writing to inform you that you should expect to stay this messy until we move out. I have no intention of cleaning baseboards that I won’t be living with for more than 3 weeks.
Affectionately yours,
Moving

Dear P90x,
KJAJFOIJKLWJL;KWEODSLJEKLJ!!!!!
Love,
my abs

Dear blog,
I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you. I’ve been reading instead.
Sincerely,
The Hunger Games, Bossypants, the Help, and Love & War

Dear pregnant women,
Please make sure you get an ultra sound to check your baby’s developing heart, and also demand pulse ox screening when they are born. E-mail me for more info.
Concerned,
Heart Mom

Dear today,
You must’ve read the part of the Bible where God stopped the sun for a day because YOU JUST WON’T QUIT. Seriously, you can be over any time now.
Spitefully,
Exhausted

Dear Aliyah,
If you keep asking for more “nuggle mommy” time, I will never get anything done — and that would be fine by me.
I love you, my nuggle buddy.
Mommy

Dear Army,
This whole time I thought you were a branch of the military. Turns out you’re a life sucking vulture. That sort of thing would’ve been nice to know.
Sincerely,
At least pay them over time

meshing

Allie has done something quite extraordinary.
She has become an infant and a teenager.
She stomps around the house hollering “MOM!”,
and refuses to eat unless she is sitting in my lap, being spoon fed.

Since I’ll probably be dealing with the stomping and “mom”-ing for a few more decades years, I figured I’d try to break the spoon feeding first. I buckled her back arching self into her booster seat and said “I’m going to get my coffee”, which literally required me to walk 50 feet away from her, grab my mug, and walk back to the table.

She went into convulsions, foamed at the mouth, screamed and threw up.
Then she was back in my lap, being fed her “hungry” (yogurt),
acting as if nothing had ever happened.

But something did happen.

Moms, when I judged you because you were just feeding your kid chocolate to make them stop yelling? I was wrong. When you put them in front of the tv to gain a few minutes of sanity and I thought you were being lazy? I was wrong. When you handed your screaming child the toy they were fixed on at the store and I rolled my eyes at you? I was wrong. When you spilled out of your car with your diaper bag’s contents falling on the ground, your kids shoes somewhere between their feet and your face, your shirt half unbuttoned and your dog howling at you to pretty pretty pretty please hurry back and I thought I’d be so much more pulled together? I was wrong.

Because when faced with teaching my daughter to sit in her own freaking chair and feed herself her own freaking breakfast or being a doormat? I chose doormat.

Maybe all of our good parenting moments and bad parenting moments just mesh together and create a responsible, well-adjusted adult.
I can only hope.

results!

We took Aliyah to the fish zoo the day before her cath.
What? Aquarium is big word for a little girl. No judging.

She had a blast. In fact, we still talk about how Mommy and Daddy and Allie wore jackets and held hands and looked at (insert fish face here). Her mind was blown.

I felta little guilty when, after the amazing fish zoo, we told her we were going to see more fish the next day – the Children’s Hospital has all these biggish fish tanks so it wasn’t a lie but girlfriends eyes lit up like she was thinking “MORE FISH ZOO?!” Mom guilt. But we did look at fish before they took her back, and they were the third thing she asked for after she woke up: mommy,apple juice, fish.

Priorities.

Her cath went great. They had one of us(me.) walk her back into the “OR” where they did the procedure, to keep her calm and give her the anesthesia. We walked back with her last year, so I thought I was prepared for it. Wrong. They had me hold her and hold the mask to her face. She screamed. They kicked up the anesthesia as high as they could and told me to just keep it on her nose and mouth. She cried and cried and looked up at me like I was hurting her. After what felt like 10 minutes, her whole body went limp and her eyes started to roll. Thats when they took her from my lap and placed her on the table. The anesthesiologist said,”She’s awake but very unaware.”, which is about when she started snoring. I gave her a kiss and I was walked back to my husband where I collapsed. Seeing your child be put out is no fun.

We were really nervous about the waking up from anesthesia since last year she had a holy melt down that required narcotics to sort of calm her down, but this time she was as sweet as pie. The first hour was rough because they needed to do an echo and ekg, and all she wanted was to “walk mommy! bye-bye! fish!”. She hurled her apple juice ev.er.y.where, then they moved us to recovery where we watched Mickey Mouse, skyped with grandparents and ate jello and pudding. All was well.

And her results? Perfect.  They are looking for cellular rejection in the biopsy of her heart, which they score from 1-5. Allie’s score? ZERO. Zero rejection – hallelujah! Her coronaries looked good too, says the man that saw them.

Next year they are going to go through her neck instead of her groin, which I guess means only an hour in recovery instead 583. Works for me.

Thanks for all your prayers!

Also, pinterest likes lemon ginger tea.
Hi, pinners! :)

lemon ginger tea

Hiiiii.

I kind of fell off the face of the earth internet for a while, didn’t I? To briefly catch up:

- John was out in the field for a weekish after Valentine’s day.
- I didn’t sleep for a weekish after Valentine’s day.
- Allie’s cath was rescheduled because I’m a moron and forgot to go into her room to take her sippy cup away at midnight. After driving alllllll the way up to Seattle and getting allllll the way through pre-op I finally had the chance to talk to the anesthesiologist about it and he said we could just push it back to 10 am instead of 8 am, to work with the potential drinking after midnight. The doctor doing the cath said that he had a pretty complicated one to do before Allie’s and would probably not be able to start on hers until 1:30. It was 8 and she was yelling “Bye-Bye! Mommy! Walk! Leave! Fish! Food! Milk!”. So we opted to reschedule.
- Her new cath day is tomorrow, so all forward all of your prayers and positive thoughts to 8:30 am Pacific Time, please and thank you.
- John and I are working through some stuff and would also appreciate your prayers.
- My Dad donated a kidney to my Mom’s cousin, Michael on Thursday. They are both doing great and (last I heard) the kidney is working like it should. My Dad is my hero. It’s no easy thing to “just go donate a kidney”, especially to someone he doesn’t really know. But the need was there and he was willing, because Jesus is alive in his life.

I posted a picture on instagram of a Lemon Ginger Tea that I made, and my friend Kylie asked for the recipe. My mom gave it to me, and a friend gave it to her. I don’t know where the recipe originated and I am in no way claiming this as my own. If it’s your original recipe, let me know so I can tell the world how awesome you are.

Lemon Ginger Tea

Boil 8 cups of water. After it reaches boiling point, turn off the heat and add 1/3 cup honey,  2 cinnamon sticks, 5 slices of lemon (about one whole, big lemon), and 10 quarter size pieces of fresh ginger. Steep for 10 minutes, take out everything you put in (minus the honey, because it’s all melted and fabulous) and drink hot or cold!

Lemon and ginger are SO good for you. I pinned a great article about it a few weeks ago, but the blog server isn’t working and I don’t feel like waiting for it. So read this for the benefits of lemon and this for the benefits of ginger.

Drink up, yo.